The Monkey Office Printer Has Chosen a Manager

An original fictional comedy from CyberMunkiez.

A perfectly reasonable request

At 8:59, Milo sent a one-page agenda to the office printer. At 9:00, the printer produced a blank sheet with such confidence that everyone assumed it was a strategy document.

“Bold,” said Nina, studying the empty page. “Room for growth.”

Milo pressed Print again. The machine flashed PAPER JAM. There was no paper inside it. Apparently the jam was philosophical.

By 9:07, six fictional monkeys had gathered around the printer, each holding a different theory and none holding an agenda. Someone brought a chair. The printer had become a meeting.

The promotion

Nina suggested opening the side panel. Gus warned that this might invalidate the warranty. Nobody knew where the warranty was, but everyone agreed it sounded powerful.

Milo tried turning the machine off and on. It responded by printing a document called FINAL_FINAL_ACTUAL_FINAL_3, which nobody admitted writing.

“Clearly it knows more than we do,” Gus whispered.

They gave the printer a management title. This involved sticking a label over its logo and moving it six inches closer to the window. The machine immediately printed seventeen copies of yesterday's lunch order.

Its first decision as department head was to request extra mustard.

An unexpected performance review

At noon, the real boss arrived and asked why the team had accomplished nothing.

“That depends on your definition of accomplishment,” Nina said. “We've streamlined reporting.”

The boss looked at the printer's new nameplate: DIRECTOR OF OUTPUT.

Milo handed over the blank agenda. “It prefers a hands-off style.”

After a long silence, the boss asked the printer for next quarter's budget. It made a terrible grinding noise, spat out half a page, and went to sleep.

“Finally,” said Gus. “Leadership I understand.”

Milo wrote tomorrow's agenda by hand. The printer requested a copy.

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